Exercising Intent Instead of Intense
- Leadership Harbor Coach
- 5 hours ago
- 3 min read
Leadership doesn’t usually fall apart in the big moments. It unravels in the small ones —
conversations that tighten, assumptions that harden, and opinions that quietly turn into judgments. We’ve all been there.
Intensity vs Intent
A discussion starts with curiosity and somehow morphs into intensity. Not always yelling. Just conflict. That subtle shift where we stop listening to understand and start listening to respond.
John Maxwell often reminds us that everything rises and falls on leadership, and I’d add this: leadership often rises or falls on how we handle moments of difference.
Recently, I found myself in one of those moments.
I shared an idea using an analogy—one that made complete sense in my head. It was abstract, layered, and symbolic. Brian, on the other hand, heard the analogy in a very concrete way. To him, the literal meaning mattered more than the conceptual point I was trying to make.
What followed was what we affectionately call an “intense fellowship” moment.
Neither of us was wrong.
And neither of us was really listening—at least not at first. I was defending my intent. He was responding to my words. Intensity had crept in, not because of conflict, but because of perspective.
John Maxwell teaches that maturity is the ability to see and respect other people’s perspectives without needing to abandon your own. That truth landed squarely in that conversation. The tension wasn’t about right versus wrong—it was about abstract versus concrete, concept versus application, intention versus interpretation.
And that’s where leadership showed up.
And just to be clear, it took a bit for the high road version of our leadership to show up. The sooner we can all make this shift from intense to intent, the better. Because instead of pressing harder, we pause. Instead of convincing, we clarify. Instead of judging, we get curious.
The shift came when the questions changed.
Rather than explaining my point again (with more intensity), I realized we weren’t able to change our individual “truths”. This is when asking questions with intent can change the dynamic.
“Help me understand what is creating the conflict between us…”
“What questions do you have about what I am saying?”
“Are we able to come to agree to disagree in how this idea is applied?”
“What outcome were you hoping for when you shared that?”
“What’s the bigger picture you’re pointing toward?”
Perspective widens. Intensity softens.
We didn’t need to agree—we needed to understand.
That moment reminded me of another Maxwell principle: People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Great questions communicate care. Judgment shuts it down.
When we move too quickly into opinion, we often bypass understanding. Opinion says, “Here’s my stance.” Judgment says, “Here’s my verdict.” Intentionality says, “Help me see what you see.”
Intentional leaders don’t eliminate disagreement; they elevate conversations.
Intentional leaders choose curiosity over certainty. They value connection over correction.They ask questions not to trap, but to learn.
Maxwell talks about the Law of Intentionality—growth doesn’t just happen; it requires intention. The same is true for healthy dialogue. Perspective doesn’t magically appear. It’s discovered through thoughtful, patient, purposeful questions.
Intensity tries to win the moment. Intent works to win the relationship.
In that conversation with Brian, the breakthrough wasn’t clarity of analogy—it was clarity of respect. We allowed each other to be “right” in our perspective without demanding agreement. And from that place, we can move forward together—with shared intent instead of lingering intensity.
Leadership in today’s world desperately needs this posture.
In teams.
In families.
In churches.
In boardrooms.
Imagine what would change if we exercised intent instead of intense.
What if, before reacting, we asked one more question?What if we assumed difference didn’t mean defiance?What if we treated perspective as information, not opposition?
That’s where growth lives.That’s where trust deepens.That’s where leadership becomes influence instead of insistence.
And maybe—just maybe—that’s how we turn intense fellowship into intentional forward movement.
I'd love to walk along side you on the journey. Please reach out.
I look forward to chatting with you soon!
Kris
More about Kris:https://www.leadershipharbor.com/kris
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